FPU WEEK 4

So I did cry.

But I have been walking around with tears in my eyes for about two weeks now, so it didn't really take much. Just like to insert here how I NEVER used to cry. A decade ago I would have been just angry. Stiff lipped and angry. I am sure the people around me were confused. I wanted to be. But I am not. I know.

1 Corinthians 14:33 (NKJV)

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints.

I know this $ issue is a symptom. One of many. For me. I speak for me. Exhibit A of priorities aligned improperly. In my own heart, the trial is raging. The prosecutor is condemning.

Relentless. Bringing up past failures. Past doubts. Past hurts. Present struggles.

The Defense has been quiet. I strain to hear Him. But only when I grow weary of defending myself. I spend a lot of time defending myself it seems.....

Awkward transition.....

Back To FPU....

This week was about debt. Getting out. Staying out. CHOOSING to stay out.

I think that is one of the reasons this is so hard. I know I, we, have chosen this.

In big and small decisions, we have chosen. Those choices have landed us where we are.

We are not victims. Maybe it would be easier if we were. Probably not, because then I would just wonder why us? Looking for the positive, the good thing about choosing is we can choose to stop.

I can choose to stop. I can choose to bring my guilt (real and inflated) to Jesus, about so many things, and let Him defend me.

Psalm 5:11 (NKJV)

But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You.

I know ya'll must think I am the biggest mess. You know what - I am. A mess that has come a long way and is getting less messy. But a mess who NEEDS Jesus Christ.

I saw a tweet quoting Jenn Hatmaker that read like this-

Live it or you have no hope of leading it

(Thank you Deborah Boutwell)

I don't have a clue of the context, but I can tell you what it means to me.

If I want to lead a life that money has no hold on, I have to LIVE a life that money has no hold on.

If I want to lead a life that honors God in all, I have to LIVE a life that honors God in all.

If I want to lead a life that points others to Jesus, I have to LIVE a life that points others to Jesus.

In the big and the small.

In the brownie and the budget.

It sums up where I think God is correcting me -

Rhonda,

If you want to lead it, you need to live it.

Or as the poster in my room says,

Less talk, more walk.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (NKJV)

I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

And because I will feel like I have depressed you all, AGAIN, I want to end with this -

Jesus Christ is good.

Jesus Christ is faithful.

Jesus Christ is it!

HE'LL SMILE

We have lived in our neighborhood for over a decade. Many of those years without kids, or with kids too small to be in school. Often, after the bus went by in the afternoons, I would hear these shrill, shrieking sounds. Attempts at a musical interlude if you will. I often wondered what instrument this could possibly be. Why are they playing it? Why are they so bad at it?
NOW I KNOW....
The Recorder.
It is the culprit.
Remind you I was NEVER in band. I have a vague recollection of a sister or two playing one, but it is very vague. My memories of MC 1 playing it will not be. At first he was just playing the one at school....I guess - to be honest I really have no clue. The thought of playing one at school totally grosses me out- the mouthpiece and the spit.....OHHHHH the spit.......GAG! - but one weekend without mom and sucker buy by HH and he owns his very own.
Green.
With a yellow and white string attached. Which according to him correlate to a belt in karate - I will leave the sarcasm about killing people with it out here.
HE loves it. So much so we are striving for a purple "belt". In doing so, we have determined the car has great acoustics and is THE PERFECT PLACE TO PRACTICE. I think it has more to do with the captive audience.
And I would like to say that even though I lack in musical chops, I am convinced Merrily We Roll Along and Mary Had a Little Lamb...ARE THE EXACT SAME SONG!
Either that or you have just had a glimpse into the skill level we endure.
Hey, listen, I am thrilled MC 1 loves music. I encourage him. I listen.
And listen.
A...N...D...listen.
And when he is 45 reading his mama's ramblings, he will most likely have endured THE RECORDER himself and he will know exactly what I mean.
And he will smile.

FPU WEEK 3

The Dreaded Budget.
Yes - week 3 is all about that.
Of course HH had to work late. Which, considering I am the NERD, was not that big a deal.
I will say, again, Ramsey pulls no punches. He tells you it will be difficult. He tells you it will most likely not work the first month. He tells you to be gracious in your "discussions". I'll tell you I wanted to cry. Overwhelmed is an understatement. Not so much the forms, but the emotions that go with them.
I, we, were to have our budget ready by Tuesday. I am writing this on Sunday. As of now, it's not done.
I live for the pressure.
Seems this is do or die week.
You, we, are either sold out to this or not.
No more playing like its monopoly money.
No more playing like it's ours to do with as we please.
Time to show ourselves faithful.
It's time we choose to.

BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW I AM...

Last weekend, HH took off on another hunting adventure. This time - wild hogs. Of the squealer kind, not the John Travolta/Tim Allen on Harleys kind. When he ventures out, the MCs like to sleep in the living room on the fold-out couch. A fold-out couch with a huge metal bar running right across the middle. One that they seem to think we can all three sleep on comfortably. What usually happens is MC 2 crashes first, then me, then MC 1 (he will stay awake as long as the TV is on). Last weekend was no different. We tried to all sleep on the "bed". I have to sleep in the middle because MC 2 has to touch someone and MC 1 HATES to be touched. So I provide the buffer between the two. MC 2 nodded off. I was next. Around midnight, MC 1 decided to crash. However, he had enough of the couch and decided to relocate.
Great. No problem.
Except he decided I needed to know about it.
Problem.
The next morning I asked him why he felt the need to wake me up at midnight to tell me he was going over to the recliner.
" I didn't want you to think somebody had gotten me."
Dude - I was right here. I had all the doors locked. I think we were okay.
"Yea...but I know how you are."

Yes, yes he does.

INCONSISTENCIES

A few weeks ago at Life Group we had a discussion about consistency in our lives. Consistency in our walks and our talks. Being faithful in the good and the bad. I couldn't help but think of this quote,

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who
acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by
their lifestyle.That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

-thank you DC Talk

We talked about how our inconsistencies feed that.

I had a very public one last week. Most of the time, the Lord and I keep my sarcasm in check with the kiddos at school. Not that they don't ever see it, but it is tempered and never mean spirited.

One day last week, it wasn't. Which resulted in the wrong thing being said to the wrong child at the wrong time causing a great deal of hurt.

For me and the child.

I had no excuse.

I had damaged a relationship I spent months trying to build.

As much as my flesh wanted to blame others for pushing me to that point, the Holy Spirit was quick to show me it was my fault and mine alone. Our inconsistencies usually are.

Because my inconsistency was played out in public, so was my apology (and the many shades of red that went with it). My hope is that the ones who don't know Christ will see His humility in that. I pray the relationships and trust can be redeemed. I pray I accept the forgiveness extended to me and not beat myself up for it for weeks to come.

That would be inconsistent.

AM I FAITHFUL?

I was watching an interview with Priscilla Shirer talking about her book The Resolution for Women. She made the comment that someone could be a person of faith and not be a faithful person.

Made me straight up hit the pause button.

I backed the video up and listened again.

Hit that pause button again.

I wasn't sure I wanted to watch anymore.

More pointedly that I didn't want to hear anymore.

For the record I did. Watched and listened to the whole thing.

Because I knew that was me on so many levels.

Did I say was?

Is would be better.

More truthful.

Examples?

Sure.

I have faith that eating well and exercise will help me to lose weight, feel better about myself, and improve my health.

Am I faithful to that belief in my choices?

Clearly not.

I have faith in good budgeting. I believe it will free us up from a good deal of stress and allow us to bless others.

Do my choices back that up consistently?

Not yet.

I have complete faith in the Word of God. I do not doubt its power.

Is it always a priority in my life? Do I choose to place it first every day.

Not this week.

I have faith that God's plans are better than my plans.

Yet I still choose my own.

It's that disconnect.

Between what I say I believe and what I do.

What I say I believe and what rages in my thought life.

What I know to be Truth and what I let my flesh tell me is truth.

Sometimes, you may see the disconnect in me.

Sometimes you won't.

God always does.

And I always know.

Even in the little choices.

I usually know.

And I still choose.

I still let that doubt, that disconnect, creep in.

I give into the flesh instead letting the fruit of Spirit grow.

As many times I choose the disconnect, Christ always chooses to connect.

Him to me.

Me to Him.

Everyday, He is a man of faith that is eternally faithful.

It's time I started closing the gap on that disconnect.

It's time for me to be a faithful person of faith.

In the small as well as the big, although I think sometimes the big is easier.

You know the next line...

Because ultimately,

I choose.

God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:9 (NKJV)

THE SHIFT

I know I have talked about this before, but I was reminded of it just this week.

The shift - it is happening.

What shift?

The shift that causes little men children to adore their daddy more than their mama.

It causes all writing assignments to about dad, something we did with dad, or something we are going to do with dad that mom doesn't want to do.

It causes little boys to mimic their daddy stirring red pepper into his dipping sauce with a fork by stirring cheese into theirs with a fork.

The shift is healthy. It is good. It is natural.

It is also a little smarting when I see it.

Stings just a bit.

A reminder that my babies are growing into men. Slowly, but growing. It serves to make me acknowledge, again, that they won't be with us forever, our time of influence is short, and we had better be deliberate about it.

The shift also brings about a sense of freedom.

Not for HH because now they want to be with him.

I can go to the store alone.

I can be in the house alone without watching TV.

Not that I want to all the time, but it is nice from time to time.

I still get my moments with them.

MC 1 and I sneak off to the store.

MC 2 and I went to a basketball game just this weekend.

They still want mama to tuck them in and lay beside them on their bed.

MC 2 still hunts me down in the middle of the night so he can get in bed with me.

But during the daylight hours, dad is usually the one they choose.

Which I understand, because I chose him too.