20 YEARS LATER....

This past weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.

In case you are worried because I haven't talked about HH's reunion:

1. I am older than him.

2. He was the only one in his graduating class.

So everyday is a reunion for him...

Several weeks ago I was pretty nervous about going.

I did not go to our ten year one for that very reason.

High school was hard for me.

We moved when I was a sophomore from the only friends I had ever known.

Not just to a new school, or even a new town, but a new state.

To say I had a chip on my shoulder would be like saying it's just a little warm in Texas right now.

I was not the nicest person who walked the halls.

I was mouthy.

I was angry.

I was scared out of my head.

20 years later you would think all those feelings would be gone.

For the most part they were.

They were replaced with feelings of guilt and shame for how difficult I had made life.

Over the last few weeks, I have really been praying for the Lord to let me just be me when I went.

Not the angry girl.

Not the mouthy girl, with killer witty sarcasm.

Not the girl who was scared out of her head.

I wanted to walk in there a girl in love with Jesus.

A girl glad to see each and everyone of them.

A girl who had grown into a woman,

and that woman knows exactly who she is in Christ.

I have to say He answered.

It was wonderful to see faces I had not seen for 20 years.

It was good to see faces I saw last month.

I laughed.

I hugged.

I wished for more time.

Some had faced difficulty.

Some were doing exactly what they were meant to do.

I found myself praying for them all the other day.

That God would restore those that had suffered loss.

That He would speak to them.

That He would love on them.

I hope I don't have to wait 20 more years to do that myself.

I tried to steal other pics from that "book place", but this was the only one that let me.

IT'S A RARE SIGHTING...

As we are walking out the door, going to my 20 year high school reunion...

MC 2: Mom? What is that on your lips?

It's called lipstick son.

I know....sad, so very sad.

FASHION, FREEDOM, AND THE FARM

NOT SO FUNNY...

HH was looking at my blog last night, asking me questions, wondering who reads it besides Rebecca, stuff like that. He then said,

It is so long, and it used to be funny. You used to write about funny stuff.

To which I replied:

1. Funny stuff has to happen.

2. Life is not always funny.

It reminded me of a story I heard Beth Moore tell about a conversation with mom. After she started teaching, I believe, her mom commented on how Beth used to be funnier before she was a bible teacher.

The truth of it is that sometimes this life we walk, and this walk with Christ, is hilarious. Maybe because something really funny did happen. Maybe because the irony of what happened forces us to laugh. And on some days, it's funny because the only other choice is to crawl up in the fetal position and cry your eyes out. Laugh or cry, laugh or cry.

Then there are times when it is not. Times of frustration, like when you lay out a large sum of cash to get an automobile repaired, only for it to come back not. Times of disappointment, when you realize things and people weren't what they thought they were, and you realize you aren't either. Times of sadness when we lose something or someone precious to us. Times of confusion when we cannot for the life of us figure out why something happened or what we are supposed to do with it.

All times that have varying degrees.

Yesterday was not a funny day for me. I was mad. About a lot of things. I sat before the Lord in my rocking chair and ran off my list of things I was mad at. I knew my attitude was bad. I read my scriptures for the day and then I walked away from them. About an hour later I came back to my journal and was ready to deal with myself. My readings were over Hezekiah. His sickness. His healing. His lifted heart. I could not help but ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for lifting my heart to my circumstances. Praying that when these temporary circumstances were over, and they are temporary, I would not forget God who has healed me. I would not be vain enough to show off all my stuff and forget to honor the very Christ who has provided for it.

And I was the better for it.

Nothing changed circumstantially.

My focus had.

We are not promised funny.

We are promised joy.

We are promised peace.

We are promised He is with us.

And it is my choice to remember that.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I am awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:17-18

FOOTSTEPS OF INDEPENDENCE

As I am getting into the shower...

MC 2: Mom, I can make my own breakfast.

Okay. What are you going to make?

MC 2: A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I can do it mom, I can do it.

As I am in the shower...

pitterpatterpitterpatter

MC 2: Mom, where is the jelly?

In the fridge.

pitterpatterpitterpatter

MC 2 : Mom, where is the bread?

On the table.

pitterpaterpitterpatter

Those pitterpatters are his steps toward independence.

Soft at first, growing louder each day.

They are hard to hear, but necessary.

Someday I will miss them.

"WEEK"ENDS...

Some weeks a girl has just got to push through.

Regardless of how she feels.

Regardless of what the scale says.

Regardless of the all the old insecurities that try to raise their evil little heads.

This past weekend I turned 38. Which looks much older than I feel when you actually write the number down. Next weekend, I have my 20 year high school reunion. In between, I have my first day of new teacher orientation where first impressions will be made. Now any one of those could set loose a sundry of doubts, fears and insecurities. But all three in one week? Well...if you are a girl child... you know. What to wear? What will people think? Am I going to do that goofy nervous thing I do? Do I have a clue as to what I am even doing here?

I know many of you face challenges right up this ally every week. Some of you face weightier ones every day. So, as my friend Casey says,

You pray for me and I'll pray for you.

Have a good week!

It will end well!

THE OBLIGATORY BIRTHDAY POST...

And now I am 38.

HH asked me that morning if I felt old.

He always does because I am officially older than him now.

I really didn't.

What I did was remember where my family was when my mom turned 38.

How, at the time, she had 4 girls ranging from 15 to 6.

How she and my dad packed us up and moved us to another state.

How I could not even fathom having a 15 year old right now.

Or just starting to have kids.

We talked about ideas I had of getting married at 22, kids at 24ish, and how the Lord in His wisdom did not stick to my plans at all.

I guess I left the conversation feeling like I couldn't imagine my life timeline any different. It is good the way it is.

Which is a good feeling to have on your birthday.