FEELINGS FOR, NO FAITH IN

I was watching Life Today last week and they had Jennifer Beckham as a guest. While telling her testimony, she recalled a time after she was saved when she was struggling. She was a minister's wife, doing ministry herself, in the Word, trying to be a better mom, wife, follower of Christ and it was not fulfilling her. Something was still off. During her pleading before the Lord, one of the things she felt He spoke to her was this,

You have feelings for Me, but you have no faith in Me.

Scared and embarrassed to say, that resonated deep within me. I saved the DVR and watched it again a couple of days later and that phrase had the same effect on me. So I have been turning that over in my head this past week, and in my heart, asking the Lord,
Is that it?
Is that me?
To any degree is that ME?
because I could totally relate to where she was coming from.
I am just going to chunk out what I have come up with out of all this.
First, yes, it was me.
To what degree we (He and I) are still sorting out.
Not having faith in someone is tough. It requires a lot of work on my part. If I have someone at work that I give a job to, and have no faith in her, odds are I am going to be spending my time doing both my job and double checking to see if she did hers. I can love my kids and have no faith in them to make the right choices or do what I expect. Which results in me, most likely, spending my time trying to protect them from making the wrong choices and doing what I have told them to do.I can love my spouse and have no faith in him. Which means I will constantly be trying to take care of not only my responsibilities as a wife and mom , but also his as a husband and father. Even with friendships. I can like some people. I can want to spend time with them. I can enjoy their presence tremendously, and yet have no faith in them. Which means I am always on guard to protect what I share. I am on guard to protect myself in case they don't show up when they said they would or do what they said they would do. Always expecting them not to come through. It can happen anywhere. Work, school, church, family, and it plays havoc with my emotions.
Feelings change.
If everyone does what I ask, I love them bunches and they love me.
If they disappoint me, I ask why and my feelings are hurt.
I know the past few weeks my relationship with the Lord had looked a bit like this. When I am blessed (and trust me it has been a very worldly view of blessed at times...aka money in the bank), I am great, life is good, Jesus loves me. When things don't look so good, I am sad, disappointed, and wondering why am I being punished. What have I done wrong? Why are You not doing what I asked? Especially when what I have asked for is good and the decisions I made I believed were for the good of those involved. When those kind of choices get me in a bind, it is tough sometimes.
One of the verses that I have camped out on over the last couple of days is Psalm 119:68.
You are good, and do good.
Bottom line.
God is good.
Christ is good.
They do good.
They are for my good.
My feelings don't change that.
They just distract me from it.
So my prayer has been for the Lord to rewire my thinking.
Change my thought pattern that it will no longer ask Him why am I being punished, but will say instead, You are good and You do good.
Regardless of how I feel, which can change at any given moment, regardless of abundance or lack, my brain will go to that simple fact.
God is good and he does good.
Over and over.
Watering my spirit and soul with that word so that even a mustard seed can grow.

Remeber when I had a job......
and we had money to burn.....
and only 2 dogs who went to the vet once a year....
those were the days.
Except I cried when I went to work...
and our money really did burn up....
and did little of eternal significance.....
I don't want to go back to that.
The 2 dog thing was kinda nice though.

CHASING MC 2

A friend called yesterday. Her message said " I guess you are out chasing MC 2." I was. All the way to the doctor's office because someone has tonsillitis. So we have nasty medicine that apparently DOES NOT taste like bubble gum to take heal our woes. Praying MC 1 does not get it. HH is tonsil free so he is in the clear.
And so concludes the highlight portion of our week.
We are trying out a new daily schedule. On the days we stick to the plan, it works out well. We will see how it goes with MC 1 and the updated "Summer Schedule".
Riveting post I know.
Bet you can't wait to come back tomorrow.
Go make it an awesome Thursday.
It's your choice!

SUMMER "DO"

Summer Time!

FIELD DAY

WE MADE IT....

The Big Hit at the Birthday Party

Our own pole

5 minutes later

No truer words ever spoken

A discussion about PLACE.

BREAKING DOWN BREAKING FREE

** Completely unrelated, would love to read your one year testimony over here.

Okay carry on.
Joanne talked about finishing up a Priscilla Shirer study and writing down the top ten things you learned from it. So I have decided to do the same for Breaking Free. But I will have twelve. And they are my 12 top statements. Because I suffer from a lineage of rebels. Entire family can't stand to be told what to do. Hence, the Breaking Free.

1. What future do I want? How do I want this (life) to turn out?

2. If our liberty in Christ is going to be a reality, we are going to have to learn to walk in the freedom of Christ, independent of everyone else we know.

3. You may never feel like giving your circumstance, hurt, or loss to Him; but you can choose to submit to His authority out of belief and obedience rather than emotion.

4. But we'll never make it to our milestones if we can't make it through our moments. There is a moment of decision.

5. Even a thin chain can strangle the life out of you.

6. The enemy's hope for Christians is that we will either be so ineffective we have no testimony or we'll ruin the one we do have.

7. Self - protection is the #1 thing that keeps us from our calling.

8. Liberty and authority will always go hand in hand.

9. Belief is not a feeling. It's a choice.

10. Confession means coming to the point of saying the same thing God says about any specific matter.

11. The richest testimonies come from people Christ has made whole who still remember what it was like to be broken.

12. What he (Satan) has arranged for your overthrow, take and appropriate for yourself.

Have you done Breaking Free? What were some of your favorite statements? Or maybe you like one of the ones above. Share peeps, s-h-a-r-e.

4 + 1

This weekend was full of festivities. Friday night MC 1 had a sleepover with Jay-G and HH had a sleepover with his motorcycle buddies. So MC 2 and I were solo. For people who spend 20 hours a day together (we don't count the 4 when he actually sleeps in his bed), the idea of a Mommy and me sleepover did not thrill his soul. He was already upset with me from earlier in the day when he declared,
I AM DONE WITH YOU MAMA!
and stomped off to his room. He spent the greater part of the night bemoaning the absence of his daddy and his big brother.
Saturday brought a celebration of MC 2 turning 4+1. If you asked him how old he was going to be, that is what you got.
One hand with four fingers held up, the other hand with one finger held up.
He often makes things more complicated than they need to be.
We had a good party at a local park and great cake.
He was impressed with each and every gift.
I can honestly say he has played with ALL of them, and that never happens.
Saturday night HH had to work, so the men children and I settled in with the Tooth Fairy.
They weren't to interested.
Not enough action.
Or sounds of people passing gas.
Or shots to the family jewels.
Or whatever other silly thing boys laugh at.
(On the way to church they were all, and I mean all, laughing their heads off at the app on HH iPod that makes tooting sounds- seriously? Needless to say we have had some talks about what is appropriate in front of mom and what is not).
Sunday was church and then IRON MAN 2.
Again, too much of the talkie - talkie and not enough of the fightie-fightie for the men children.
I enjoyed it, but then again, it was Robert Downey, Jr., whom I adore.
Ended the evening by eating & swimming at Nanny's and crashing way later than we should have.
Today MC 2 and I are going to take apart the lawn mower.
He is very excited.
I am very nervous.

A HOLLYWOOD HERITAGE IN HIGH DEF...

I love movies.
I really do.
I mean I REALLY love movies.
Like HH loves 80's hair bands.
Believe me, if you could see his playlist you would know how much.
I come by it honestly.
My parents love movies.
It's part of my heritage.
The Searchers.
The Big Chill (when I was much older and only the tv version)
Cat Ballou.
So I feel it is important that the men children develop an appreciation for their mother's passion. I feel it is my duty to pass on my love for the "theater"...or Hollywood...to them.
We have started slowly.
Animated classic at first.
Some Disney, some Veggie Tales.
Then to every man child required viewing...
Star Wars.
We have slowly but cautiously moved up.
The Sandlot.
The Karate Kid.
Just last week I introduced MC 2 to ....drum roll please...
THE MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER....
I know... it brought tears to my eyes as well.
This week we have upped the ante to ....
8 Seconds.
Yes there are curse words.
Yes we address them.
Yes mama cries at the end every time.
Now in hindsight (if 5 minutes ago counts as that) showing MC 2 horses jumping off cliffs, people kickin' someone's derriere with karate and bull riders will probably come back to get me some day.
Just remind me of that in years down the road.
But until my men children can fully appreciate the work
of John Hughes and the Brat Pack,
these films will have to do.
This weekend...Iron Man 2...cause mama does love her some Marvel comics!
How about you? Any movies you want your kids to fully appreciate?

PRAISIN' YAHWEH

Being Useable

WORK

** The following blog was written this morning around 6 or 7. Part of "doing the work" meant I needed my bible study time. I would have been super easy for me to pile up on the couch today and lose myself in Tori and Dean, but I didn't.
I am on the last day of Breaking Free today and did it after we got back from dropping MC 1 off for school. Four paragraphs in I read this,
"Sometimes I get tired of fighting the good fight, don't you? How can we muster the energy to hang in there and keep fighting for our liberty?"
Now as much as I love Beth Moore, because I know she loves me, she had no clue that this is where I would be today. But Jesus Christ did. God Almighty Himself knew. And He knew that if I did a little work, I would reap a little harvest, which only encourages me to keep doing the work. He is a good God I serve. To you I say - do the work.
(and please don't let the devil confuse you that I am talking about works versus faith because I am not. I mean doing the everyday stuff that my relationship with God calls me to.)**

I applied for a job and it appears I didn't get it.
It is not really a job I wanted.
Not a job I was even qualified to have.
I knew that going in.
Yet somehow I feel I have failed.
I feel unworthy.
I feel unwanted.
I feel insecure.
Right now I am frustrated.
Pulled between the desire for cash to ease the burden of my decision,
and the desire to be available for MC 2 next year.
Frustrated that I can't make this all work,
knowing that I can't without some help.
Tired and really not wanting to put the work in today to make it work.
Tired of not sleeping well for the past 4 nights.
Of my brain not shutting off.
Disappointed in myself that I upset HH and caused him pain.
Praying the devil would stop beating both of us up.
Kinda of tired of choosing to look for the good in it all.

Then He said to His disciples, "The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest."
Matthew 9:37-38 (NKJV)

The harvest Christ has for my life is out there.
It is plenty.
It has to be gathered.
That takes work on my part.
Hard work.
Not necessarily fun work.
But good work.
Knowing that,
today,
I choose to do the work.

IT'S MY HONOR

I did not grow up desiring to be a mom and only a mom. You know what I mean? I was not one of those girls who wanted to grow up and get married and have babies and that would complete me. I wanted to get married and have kids, but there were other things I wanted to do as well. Other "lofty goals". HH and I got married in our mid-twenties and waited 4 years to start having kids. My first experience as being a mom did not go as I had planned. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. A miscarriage that occurred after I had seen that little beating heart. Believing life begins at conception, as soon as I saw that dot, I was a mom. I talked to the baby. Made plans for the baby. In twelve short weeks I went into mom mode and it became my number one priority. When it ended with loss, my heart shattered. I was devastated. Now, I in no way want to compare my loss to those of moms who carried babies to term and lost them or moms who have lost young children (or even grown ones). But for me, that was all the mommy-dom I had known and it was gone. It was very hard to recover from that. It sent my faith reeling. Hard. Then came MC 1. His arrival went nothing like I had planned. C-section after 12+ hours of labor. Hormones a hot mess. Once we got him home, HH and I got a serious stomach bug. Nothing as planned. And protective? Because he was mine and I was holding onto him for dear life - understatement. Took him to the ER after he rolled off the bed as an infant and bloodied his nose. Took him to the ER after he fell over in a chair and I saw the big black knot forming in his head (which he still has the dent from). Multiple ear infections and 2 ear surgeries. Day care injuries. Self-inflicted injuries. Pretty much nothing went as I had thought it would.
Then came MC 2. I knew the C-section was coming. I knew what to do with the ears. But MC 2 is nothing like what I planned on him being. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. To the point that just when I think I have him figured out, he throws a wrench in the plans.
My journey through mommy land has completely ignored my plans. There have been detours and side stops when I didn't plan them. There have been breakdowns and malfunctions when they were least convenient. It has just pretty much NOT gone like I thought it would.
It has gone like He thought it would though. He knew each detour coming. Each breakdown. Each malfunction. He knew I needed HH to do this. He knew I would need these men children and that they needed me to be their mom. Looking back on my other "lofty goals" they seem so small. So insignificant in comparison. Not they are insignificant, but in light of my role right now, they are. This mommy thing is just for a short time. Those "lofty goals" will still be around when my nest is empty.
So for now, I will look at my full, messy, unplanned little nest and be grateful.
I know on Mother's Day we honor moms, and rightly so.
But I think many moms will tell you,
the honor is all theirs.

"when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded in is you also."
2 Timothy 1:5
NKJV

I'M GOING TO SCHOOL

which is a good thing because

I am getting really tired

of her taking my picture.

(Seriously he was so mad

and refused to look at me when

I asked him to show me his sticker.)

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Today marks the beginning of the end of staying home with MC 2.

Today we go to the Round-up.

MC 2 gets signed up for school.

Emotions?

Excited.

Sad.

Scared.

HH says to make sure we get a teacher who is with it.

Someone who " doesn't wander off into his/her own world".

Because as we all know,

a MC 2 unattended

is a recipe for trauma.

Mainly mine.

I really am not sure what I will be doing.

Work? Yes.

In what form - not a clue.

Lots of prayer.

Speaking of which, MC 2 slept all night

so thank you very much!

Keep it up!

Mama needs some sleep.

STALKED

I am being stalked.
I don't like it.
It is messing with my sleep.
That makes me grumpy.
I don't like feeling someone's prey.
My predator....MC 2.
MC 2 rarely sleeps in his own bed all night.
To the point when it does happen,
I am completely amazed how much better I feel
with a full 6 -8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
HH does not like MC 2 coming to our bed.
E-V-E-R-Y N-I-G-H-T.
Me neither.
He is just more vocal about it.
In the past MC 2 has just come in,
hopped in,
and plopped himself in the middle between us.
HH became wise to his ways
and started squeezing in closer.
MC 2 went into stealth mode.
He climbs in at the bottom.
He lays flat.
He then inches up.
HH or I move, flat as a pancake he goes.
We get still, he moves up.
We move, he drops.
When he drops, he shakes the entire bed.
Hence the way mom figured out what was going on.
He just inches himself up bit by bit
until he reaches his desired location- my head.
In all seriousness, we could use some prayers on this issue.
Mostly me.
It seems pretty much every night, one of the two men children
gets up for something.
Mom needs sleep.
Straight sleep.
So if you got nothing else on your prayer sheet today
I would take a couple for us.
Wisdom to figure out why.
Wisdom on how to make it stop.
Nice words instead of tired words.
Rest.
Thanks.

HUNTERS AND GATHERERS

MC 1 is a hunter. This weekend he competed in his very first every archery tournament. He and group of 5 other kiddos tromped throughout the woods and shot at bear, deer, turkey, and a couple of foxes. For the group ahead of us they got the joy of shooting a copperhead, until the grown men arrived and terminated its life. We really had a good time, overall, not counting the MC 2 meltdowns. MC 2 is more of a gatherer. He had his own agenda and it had nothing to do with following big brother around the woods. His mission - the concession stand. So he had a few trips "out to the truck". We spent the last 30 minutes sitting in there. MC 1 did not win a trophy but he did win some drawing prize items. It was sweet to watch him with HH. He even dressed like Daddy for the tournament.

Saturday night was the traditional HH's "green enchilada" birthday dinner. Of course they aren't green at all. They are really good though. I must admit I was shocked the first Christmas we were together and that was we had for Christmas dinner but I have adjusted;)

Pretty calm weekend overall. Hope you had a good one.