And this is the part of starting something new I hate.
The anxiety.
The insecurities.
The being awake at 3:15 am and then 4 and then 4:15.....
The feeling that I want to cry.
That I want to eat everything in sight.
Then cry for doing that.
The desire to run to my tv and get lost in some meaningless show (s) for hours so I don't have to deal with it.
I'll be honest with you. Since I got up at 4:15 I have watched Giuliana and Bill, and am right now hoping Ren and Willard can lift my spirits with some crazy dance moves.
Then beating myself up for not being more productive.
The lecture that I gave myself last night about how MUCH, MUCH more I am going to have to get it all together, be more disciplined because when it all starts up next week, I am hitting the ground running.
New job, new ministry, new relationship, new town....
They all carry their own stuff.
Know what I noticed about my list of troubles?
There is a whole lot of "I" in there.
Even though "I" am the one fleshing these things out,
"I" don't have to do it alone.
The "I" in me can choose to be alone.
To try to do this all in my own power, control and strength.
To worry and fret and agonize what might be or what could happen or not happen.
"I" can choose that.
But the fact that "I" can choose must mean I get to pick between paths.
The "I" path, well, I have done that one.
Too many times and for too long.
Like this morning at 4:15, just for an example.
The other choice....
I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
Galatians 2:20 (NKJV)
Faith.
In Him.
Better choice.
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3 comments:
we talked about that verse on Sunday - what does it mean? what does it look like? and yes, how we can choose
praying for you
Ummmm........so did I miss the post about you going back to work?? That is so me right now except the waking up at 4:00 part. I, for some reason, have been asked to run the Bible study program at our church which serves about 400 women. I've been here exactly one year and barely know how things work around here.....to say that I'm anxious is an understatement. Add in the boys starting back to school...emphasis on the boy that is in 7th grade....and getting back into life in Asia. Man! Let's just say that I watched almost an entire season of Parenthood earlier this week. And ate a lot of chocolate. We're kindred spirits my friend!
No you didn't. I haven't built up to that one yet:)
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