PRAISIN' YAHWEH

Being Useable

WORK

** The following blog was written this morning around 6 or 7. Part of "doing the work" meant I needed my bible study time. I would have been super easy for me to pile up on the couch today and lose myself in Tori and Dean, but I didn't.
I am on the last day of Breaking Free today and did it after we got back from dropping MC 1 off for school. Four paragraphs in I read this,
"Sometimes I get tired of fighting the good fight, don't you? How can we muster the energy to hang in there and keep fighting for our liberty?"
Now as much as I love Beth Moore, because I know she loves me, she had no clue that this is where I would be today. But Jesus Christ did. God Almighty Himself knew. And He knew that if I did a little work, I would reap a little harvest, which only encourages me to keep doing the work. He is a good God I serve. To you I say - do the work.
(and please don't let the devil confuse you that I am talking about works versus faith because I am not. I mean doing the everyday stuff that my relationship with God calls me to.)**

I applied for a job and it appears I didn't get it.
It is not really a job I wanted.
Not a job I was even qualified to have.
I knew that going in.
Yet somehow I feel I have failed.
I feel unworthy.
I feel unwanted.
I feel insecure.
Right now I am frustrated.
Pulled between the desire for cash to ease the burden of my decision,
and the desire to be available for MC 2 next year.
Frustrated that I can't make this all work,
knowing that I can't without some help.
Tired and really not wanting to put the work in today to make it work.
Tired of not sleeping well for the past 4 nights.
Of my brain not shutting off.
Disappointed in myself that I upset HH and caused him pain.
Praying the devil would stop beating both of us up.
Kinda of tired of choosing to look for the good in it all.

Then He said to His disciples, "The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest."
Matthew 9:37-38 (NKJV)

The harvest Christ has for my life is out there.
It is plenty.
It has to be gathered.
That takes work on my part.
Hard work.
Not necessarily fun work.
But good work.
Knowing that,
today,
I choose to do the work.

IT'S MY HONOR

I did not grow up desiring to be a mom and only a mom. You know what I mean? I was not one of those girls who wanted to grow up and get married and have babies and that would complete me. I wanted to get married and have kids, but there were other things I wanted to do as well. Other "lofty goals". HH and I got married in our mid-twenties and waited 4 years to start having kids. My first experience as being a mom did not go as I had planned. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. A miscarriage that occurred after I had seen that little beating heart. Believing life begins at conception, as soon as I saw that dot, I was a mom. I talked to the baby. Made plans for the baby. In twelve short weeks I went into mom mode and it became my number one priority. When it ended with loss, my heart shattered. I was devastated. Now, I in no way want to compare my loss to those of moms who carried babies to term and lost them or moms who have lost young children (or even grown ones). But for me, that was all the mommy-dom I had known and it was gone. It was very hard to recover from that. It sent my faith reeling. Hard. Then came MC 1. His arrival went nothing like I had planned. C-section after 12+ hours of labor. Hormones a hot mess. Once we got him home, HH and I got a serious stomach bug. Nothing as planned. And protective? Because he was mine and I was holding onto him for dear life - understatement. Took him to the ER after he rolled off the bed as an infant and bloodied his nose. Took him to the ER after he fell over in a chair and I saw the big black knot forming in his head (which he still has the dent from). Multiple ear infections and 2 ear surgeries. Day care injuries. Self-inflicted injuries. Pretty much nothing went as I had thought it would.
Then came MC 2. I knew the C-section was coming. I knew what to do with the ears. But MC 2 is nothing like what I planned on him being. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. To the point that just when I think I have him figured out, he throws a wrench in the plans.
My journey through mommy land has completely ignored my plans. There have been detours and side stops when I didn't plan them. There have been breakdowns and malfunctions when they were least convenient. It has just pretty much NOT gone like I thought it would.
It has gone like He thought it would though. He knew each detour coming. Each breakdown. Each malfunction. He knew I needed HH to do this. He knew I would need these men children and that they needed me to be their mom. Looking back on my other "lofty goals" they seem so small. So insignificant in comparison. Not they are insignificant, but in light of my role right now, they are. This mommy thing is just for a short time. Those "lofty goals" will still be around when my nest is empty.
So for now, I will look at my full, messy, unplanned little nest and be grateful.
I know on Mother's Day we honor moms, and rightly so.
But I think many moms will tell you,
the honor is all theirs.

"when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded in is you also."
2 Timothy 1:5
NKJV

I'M GOING TO SCHOOL

which is a good thing because

I am getting really tired

of her taking my picture.

(Seriously he was so mad

and refused to look at me when

I asked him to show me his sticker.)

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Today marks the beginning of the end of staying home with MC 2.

Today we go to the Round-up.

MC 2 gets signed up for school.

Emotions?

Excited.

Sad.

Scared.

HH says to make sure we get a teacher who is with it.

Someone who " doesn't wander off into his/her own world".

Because as we all know,

a MC 2 unattended

is a recipe for trauma.

Mainly mine.

I really am not sure what I will be doing.

Work? Yes.

In what form - not a clue.

Lots of prayer.

Speaking of which, MC 2 slept all night

so thank you very much!

Keep it up!

Mama needs some sleep.

STALKED

I am being stalked.
I don't like it.
It is messing with my sleep.
That makes me grumpy.
I don't like feeling someone's prey.
My predator....MC 2.
MC 2 rarely sleeps in his own bed all night.
To the point when it does happen,
I am completely amazed how much better I feel
with a full 6 -8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
HH does not like MC 2 coming to our bed.
E-V-E-R-Y N-I-G-H-T.
Me neither.
He is just more vocal about it.
In the past MC 2 has just come in,
hopped in,
and plopped himself in the middle between us.
HH became wise to his ways
and started squeezing in closer.
MC 2 went into stealth mode.
He climbs in at the bottom.
He lays flat.
He then inches up.
HH or I move, flat as a pancake he goes.
We get still, he moves up.
We move, he drops.
When he drops, he shakes the entire bed.
Hence the way mom figured out what was going on.
He just inches himself up bit by bit
until he reaches his desired location- my head.
In all seriousness, we could use some prayers on this issue.
Mostly me.
It seems pretty much every night, one of the two men children
gets up for something.
Mom needs sleep.
Straight sleep.
So if you got nothing else on your prayer sheet today
I would take a couple for us.
Wisdom to figure out why.
Wisdom on how to make it stop.
Nice words instead of tired words.
Rest.
Thanks.

HUNTERS AND GATHERERS

MC 1 is a hunter. This weekend he competed in his very first every archery tournament. He and group of 5 other kiddos tromped throughout the woods and shot at bear, deer, turkey, and a couple of foxes. For the group ahead of us they got the joy of shooting a copperhead, until the grown men arrived and terminated its life. We really had a good time, overall, not counting the MC 2 meltdowns. MC 2 is more of a gatherer. He had his own agenda and it had nothing to do with following big brother around the woods. His mission - the concession stand. So he had a few trips "out to the truck". We spent the last 30 minutes sitting in there. MC 1 did not win a trophy but he did win some drawing prize items. It was sweet to watch him with HH. He even dressed like Daddy for the tournament.

Saturday night was the traditional HH's "green enchilada" birthday dinner. Of course they aren't green at all. They are really good though. I must admit I was shocked the first Christmas we were together and that was we had for Christmas dinner but I have adjusted;)

Pretty calm weekend overall. Hope you had a good one.