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Dear God,
I don't get it.
I know it is trivial in the grand scheme of things. I know there are people facing much harder challenges in their lives, much bigger obstacles. I have faced some of my own. This one seems to be eating away at me piece by piece though. Just when I think I am past it back we go again. Back to being ticked off that I am even in this boat in the first place. Back to being hurt by words that were said and those that weren't. Back to being confused. Back to feeling disillusioned. Back to not trusting. Anyone thing or anyone. I see their lips moving and I think to myself- I do not believe a word you are saying. What self - seeking motive are you after? Back to not even trusting myself to discern what is true and what is false. Feeling like I have to pick sides yet totally unequipped to do so because I blew it so bad last time. Back to FORCING myself to trust You when I can't see it or even comprehend it. Back to feeling bad that something so trivial is tearing me up inside. Feeling like an immature little girl who needs to grow up and in the same breath thinking grown-ups shouldn't act like this. Back to wondering what happened to integrity.Then looking deep into my own life to see if it is there and loathing myself when I find the places it wasn't. I hate roller coasters Lord and it feels like I can't get off of this one. Yet fully aware that this is a baby one in the the scale of roller coasters.

So this morning (because the above was written last night), I am back on my face before You. Praising You, trusting You and seeking You. Remembering that You told us we would need endurance. To hold fast to our confidence which is Christ Jesus. To forgive and to show grace. To love. Above all else to love.

From a grateful girl who was loved before she ever loved.

May I do the same out there.