FEELINGS FOR, NO FAITH IN

I was watching Life Today last week and they had Jennifer Beckham as a guest. While telling her testimony, she recalled a time after she was saved when she was struggling. She was a minister's wife, doing ministry herself, in the Word, trying to be a better mom, wife, follower of Christ and it was not fulfilling her. Something was still off. During her pleading before the Lord, one of the things she felt He spoke to her was this,

You have feelings for Me, but you have no faith in Me.

Scared and embarrassed to say, that resonated deep within me. I saved the DVR and watched it again a couple of days later and that phrase had the same effect on me. So I have been turning that over in my head this past week, and in my heart, asking the Lord,
Is that it?
Is that me?
To any degree is that ME?
because I could totally relate to where she was coming from.
I am just going to chunk out what I have come up with out of all this.
First, yes, it was me.
To what degree we (He and I) are still sorting out.
Not having faith in someone is tough. It requires a lot of work on my part. If I have someone at work that I give a job to, and have no faith in her, odds are I am going to be spending my time doing both my job and double checking to see if she did hers. I can love my kids and have no faith in them to make the right choices or do what I expect. Which results in me, most likely, spending my time trying to protect them from making the wrong choices and doing what I have told them to do.I can love my spouse and have no faith in him. Which means I will constantly be trying to take care of not only my responsibilities as a wife and mom , but also his as a husband and father. Even with friendships. I can like some people. I can want to spend time with them. I can enjoy their presence tremendously, and yet have no faith in them. Which means I am always on guard to protect what I share. I am on guard to protect myself in case they don't show up when they said they would or do what they said they would do. Always expecting them not to come through. It can happen anywhere. Work, school, church, family, and it plays havoc with my emotions.
Feelings change.
If everyone does what I ask, I love them bunches and they love me.
If they disappoint me, I ask why and my feelings are hurt.
I know the past few weeks my relationship with the Lord had looked a bit like this. When I am blessed (and trust me it has been a very worldly view of blessed at times...aka money in the bank), I am great, life is good, Jesus loves me. When things don't look so good, I am sad, disappointed, and wondering why am I being punished. What have I done wrong? Why are You not doing what I asked? Especially when what I have asked for is good and the decisions I made I believed were for the good of those involved. When those kind of choices get me in a bind, it is tough sometimes.
One of the verses that I have camped out on over the last couple of days is Psalm 119:68.
You are good, and do good.
Bottom line.
God is good.
Christ is good.
They do good.
They are for my good.
My feelings don't change that.
They just distract me from it.
So my prayer has been for the Lord to rewire my thinking.
Change my thought pattern that it will no longer ask Him why am I being punished, but will say instead, You are good and You do good.
Regardless of how I feel, which can change at any given moment, regardless of abundance or lack, my brain will go to that simple fact.
God is good and he does good.
Over and over.
Watering my spirit and soul with that word so that even a mustard seed can grow.