I DON'T EVEN KNOW

I don't even know where to start. My head is jumbled with a lot of things rolling around. The past few weeks have been very stressful for me spiritually. It has been a battle and I have come under attack. I spent the first part whining "why am I being attacked? What is wrong with me". At our women's retreat this weekend the Lord broke through.


Let me back up a bit. I bought the Esther study a few weeks after it had come out. Maybe several weeks. Now I adore Beth Moore. I really do. We are just two ole girls for the South with hunter hubbys who love Jesus. I enjoy her bible studies to no end. God always speaks to me and deals with me. So I started Esther and something strange happened. I was bored to tears. I mean to TEARS! I was not getting it. It did not click in any way shape or form. I kept reading all these people who loved it, best bible study ever.... and I am thinking - seriously? I am struggling with it. I even commented on the All Access blog what a struggle it was for me to do the study and then I said something to the effect of" it's probably the enemy trying to keep me away because God has something really great for me in it". Had I only known the prophetic word I was speaking to myself? I did exactly what satan wanted me to do - I got busy & forgot. Forgot about Esther, bible reading, all of it.


Backing up even further, I faced my most difficult spiritual battle about 3 years ago. It is a long, pride filled, humbling story. But I was delivered by the very Word of God. I dug deep into the Word. I had my sword sharpened and I was wielding it at the enemy. And I walked in victory. I don't even know when I dropped my sword, but I did. I somehow decided that hand to hand combat with the enemy was a better idea. Wearing my own armor was better than God's. I don't even know what I was thinking. There is a reason why it says the battle is the Lord's.

Back to now, I had been asking God why? what is wrong with me? And Friday night, at 12:30am , in a solitary sanctuary He showed me- nothing. The enemy loves to torment me.He loves to torment us. It is one of his favorite tactics. The next day in the study talked about God allowing a new threat to remind us of a past miracle. H-E-L-L-O???? That is exactly what I had done. I had put the battle plan for the victory on the back shelf and had come up with my own. Thank God He reminds me. He loves me enough to re-armor me in His armor. I don't even know where I would be without Jesus Christ. He is absolutely the best thing in my life.